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Panda76
1,015 posts
19 months
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Keep them then, if you can,they might be better off with you.At least with you there seems to be a solid "base" Yes it will be heart breaking,but their hearts are already breaking,but they have you. As hard as it maybe, don't be angry ,don't be mad,just be there. If mum wants to f  k off for the weekend on some whim,let her,don't be mad (even though you want to scream at her in her face) Just be there and be the solid base. Kids need stability,after stability comes guidance.You're it. Just give it your best shot man,don't let your anger at their mum come out. It's parenting man,f k yeah it's hard work.f k her and do your best for the kids. - I do know it's easier said than done
Edit to add: There seems to be so many f ked up relationships these days,what the f k is going on ? Do people just get tired and start f king other people or what ? I wouldn't consider myself old at 36,not married but might as well be (long term 14 yr relationship with a 12 yr old lad now)but it seems like the generation below me is like right f k it,had enough of you I'm going to shag your best mate..and the whole thing just gets mental kids or not. I don't lack commitment in a 14 yr relationship,it just costs a lot of dollar these days to get hitched(my better half will agree with that) We had a bad patch,a really bad patch.Splitting up bad patch,but both of our concerns were more focused on our son and how it would affect him. We separated for about 4 weeks and I had our son at the weekends. Every single lonely day of that separation did nothing but draw us closer,and as stick your fingers down your throat as that sounds.It's true. I was kicking about in a 3 bed semi on my own after work with no-one to talk to. Yes I went out on the piss with mates,but I still went home to a empty house. Having our son at the weekends was great,we slotted back into our PS3 games but I also had someone to talk to in the house,even if it was primary school babble. Handover on sunday afternoon (worked sun-thurs nights) was always difficult. A)I missed my better half B)Once our son was gone I had an empty house again. Tell you what,that s t hits you hard. We worked it all out and still going strong,if not stronger under the same roof. Sorry got off topic. It's all about give and take to be fair,but never tolerate taking the piss,and in no circumstances accept upsetting kids.Which brings us back to stability. Just do the right thing for you and your kids mate,thats all you can do,and all you can do.
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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Thanks Panda, I meant to post earlier to say that. Don't worry about drifting off beam, I do it all the time!!  Couple of brief updates. She didn't turn up to school last Friday to collect the kids so had a phone call from the children's head asking me to come and get them. Turned out she was drunk though she said she was "asleep" and forgot to get them..... Then last night, same again but this time, her daughter had texted her a reminder which was ignored by her mum setting off alarm bells. I got to the school dropping daughter off at her house on the way but she only got a volley of self-loathing abuse from her mum from a bedroom window. Then as we drove back home to my house, four police cars with sirens and lights going passed us and daughter then got a text saying that the police were outside her mum's house!! Either her mum or a neighbour had called them out, the neighbour presumbaly because of the shouting and banging on the door by her daughter. Rang 101, explained situation and no further bother. Finally today got a letter from CAFCASS which had info suggesting there is a court hearing upcoming. Rang them, given another number for the court then they told me that her mum has applied for a residency order for the boys and there's a hearing on June 25th at 10.30am at the County Court. In one way, it moves things along a little and the fact I've played most of this emotionally with a straight bat should go well but I'm more than a little worried that her solicitor has grounds for optimism. where from I have no idea. I cannot believe that she genuinely thinks she has a chance of getting the boys but the further along the road she goes, the stressier I get that she might just win!!
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walm
3,441 posts
71 months
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I have nothing to add but best of luck again.
I can't imagine how stressful your life must be.
Given your level-headedness and her off-her-headedness I cannot believe than any court with even half a functioning brain cell would consider her request. But sadly I am sure more mental things have happened.
Just keep up the good work. That seems all you can do, and you are doing it incredibly well.
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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Three weeks further on and the hearing is on Monday. She has said twice now that she realises that Social Services won't back her but curiously, the court tell me the hearing hasn't been cancelled at all. So working on the unlikely basis that this is a ploy to trick me into not turning up, I'll be down there on Monday morning, bright and early.
Since I last updated, her daughter has gone back home. I understand it's because of her loyalty to her mother but there you go, maybe she will be back. Her mum moved to a two bed flat on Monday which means the boys no longer have a room there, does this mean she thinks her race is run? Unlikely but since she receives benefits for only one child instead of three, she had to move somewhere else to save money.
Today was the Child Protection Core Group meeting. Both the ex and her daughter failed to show, the first time ever this has happened. Meeting continued in her absence although much shorter than usual of course. Social Services are prepared to say their bit should they be called upon by a judge on Monday though most of us know nothing will be decided on that day. If the judge throws her application out then I'll put my application in as soon as I can raise the £200 fee although SS have hinted they might even fund the application themselves.
SS via CAFCASS have also put me in touch with the local "free legal representation" people. Based at the local uni, they are trainee lawyers assisted by real lawyers and they work for nothing so to me that sounds like another bonus from SS that they are encouraging me to go for residency.
I'll update on Monday if anything happens otherwise the next Core group conference will be on July 12th.
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garyhun
13,987 posts
97 months
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GadgeS3C
1,953 posts
33 months
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Have only just discovered the thread but have now read from the beginning. I'll just say good luck for Monday but you really are an inspiration and I'm hoping it works out for you all.
Just wish the papers were full of positive stories of amazing parenting such as this.
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DaveL485
2,419 posts
66 months
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Blimey. Newcomer to the thread, posting to subscribe.
What a story, OP. And I thought my ex was bonkers! Props to you keeping your integrity the way you have.
I hope it works out well for you and your boys, and the daughter. The Ex herself? meh...... karma should have a word...
Best wishes.
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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You'd think it would count against her; after all, the only reason that we have all been meeting these past few months is to work out what is best for the children and how to help her get better.
She sent a text since my last update saying "U and Social Services have destroyed me. Well done." This came as her solicitor called me to say that she was withdrawing her application for a residency order although, typically, she has left it so late, I still have to go through the rigmarol of going to court on Monday!
The good news is that SS wanted to know how much a residence order application is... it really seems that her non-show has exasperated them today to the point where they have backed me 100%.
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garyhun
13,987 posts
97 months
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I hope you realise that her text is a last grasp attempt at emotional blackmail. You have done everything for your children so I hope you focus on that.
All the best.
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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garyhun said: I hope you realise that her text is a last grasp attempt at emotional blackmail. You have done everything for your children so I hope you focus on that.
All the best. Absolutely. The more she tries emotional blackmail, the less chance there is of it working. The social worker's manager, who was in on the meeting yesterday, said that she had hoped that I had kept a diary of everything that has happened (which I have) and she also suggested that keeping records of communication might be a good idea from here on in.
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Swoxy
2,370 posts
79 months
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Congratulations, well done .. and good luck!
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MrBrightSi
1,027 posts
39 months
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Just read this entire thread through, what a rollercoaster. You are a true image of what all men should be. The way you've handled yourself and events is comendable.
I wish the best for you mate and if youre ever around the midlands pint of orange and lemonade is on me.
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aw51 121565
2,696 posts
102 months
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Just to wish you all the best for tomorrow, Smart Mart; it sounds like a fait accompli now from what you've said, but do let us know how it goes  . Hopefully, formal arrangements can now be made for the boys and they can settle down and get on with their lives once 'things' are no longer up in the air. Keep up the good work!
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elvismiggell
903 posts
20 months
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Good luck for tomorrow! (Today!)
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Dibble
7,613 posts
109 months
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Good luck for today OP.
As outlined above, keep every single communication (ine either direction) a text, voicemail, calls log, letters. Note stuff down AS AND WHEN IT HAPPENS. Time and date diary entries. You may be glad of such a dossier at some indeterminate time in the future. Even if things today are "resolved", still keep logging everything. You never know what's round the corner, and it's impossible to try and recall things days, weeks or oaths after they happened with any accuracy.
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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Thanks to all of you for your comments.
A bit nervous today although it looks like being a short meeting. I've never been more determined to get a good outcome for the boys and I guess that starts with this morning's hearing.
Re the diary, it was a tip given to me by the solicitor I used a couple of years ago and often repeated on here, thankfully a tip I've listened to. No-one can be expected to remember dates months on from when they happened so it was a good idea.
Will report back later on, thanks again.
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simer553
483 posts
21 months
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Good Luck SmartMart. Inspirational story, gives hope to us all
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Cyder
4,772 posts
89 months
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Hope all goes well Smart Mart, been following this thread and really feel for you and the kids. Best wishes. 
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DaveL485
2,419 posts
66 months
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Best of luck mate
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Smart Mart
Original Poster
4,079 posts
84 months
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Went to the court this morning and met ex's solicitor outside the hearing room. She confirmed the RO application from ex will be withdrawn at the hearing following ex's discussions with SS.
I mentioned that SS may be funding the application for my own RO and she suggested that if they did fund it, it would be unlikely to be opposed, for the same reasons that today's order would be withdrawn.
In and out of the hearing room in two minutes flat, made sure that judge knew I was planning to apply and he nodded, having heard my plans. Have now notified Social Services of this morning's developments and will now ring the free-to-use solictors who asked to be kept up to speed.
So I now have to fill in the RO application, check the funding questions are all answered and send it in. Hopefully there will be a date (even if its weeks or months away) before the next Core Group conference on July 12th.
Thanks for all the advice and comments, they're keeping me going right now.
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